My advice and thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey…

1) Let me just go ahead and say, I thought it was great!!! Fans of the book will be very pleased!

2) Dakota Johnson portrayed the perfect Anastasia. I was totally against the casting, but I proudly stand corrected!! Well done!

3) If you notice a few lone males scattered throughout your theatre, do NOT glance over during any of the sex scenes. You will regret it. 

4) Stay facing the screen at all times. Do not, I repeat, do NOT make eye contact…..with anybody.

5) Do not purchase any snacks that may require you to lick your fingers during the movie. People will stare.

6) Be prepared to be turned on…..by toast!

7) I've heard that some people are upset that the Georgia hotel bathroom scene was cut. Really?? I mean….really? Can you seriously look me in the eye and say that you wanted to see Jamie Dornan pull a bloody tampon out of Dakota Johnson's vagina in High Definition 4K resolution? Just the thought is giving me toxic shock syndrome.

8) When Christian Grey roughly yanked down his zipper in the red room of pain, like the rest of the theatre, I gasped. However, unlike them, it wasn't because I almost saw his todger. It was because I swear I heard his tiny pubes being wrenched from their tender follicle. Rest in peace little curlies, rest in peace.

9) If I'm going to be completely honest, I did get a little tired of seeing shots of Anastasia's naked breasts, but I'd be completely remiss if I didn't congratulate Dakota Johnson on their impressive symmetry. 

10) Even if I didn't enjoy the movie (which I totally did), it would have been completely worth it just to see the Magic Mike XXL trailer on the big screen.

11) And to those who are saying that Jamie's performance was "stiff"…..I'm pretty sure that's what they call an erection!